Wow, it’s been a whole week since i’ve sat down and written a blog post. I missed y’all a lot this week and am really glad to be back online! So, this post may seem a little different than my usual layout. I’m feeling vulnerable right now. My goal has always been to connect with others through my writing. Today, I want to document what it’s like living with anxiety in a journal entry-style post.
I’ve talked about my anxiety before, but it can be challenging to put my thoughts into words. Anxiety is such a sensitive topic, and I never want anyone to feel sad while reading my posts. However, I think it’s important to be as open and honest as possible. Maybe opening up about about my anxiety can help someone who might be going through a similar experience.
Personally, my anxiety comes in waves. Everything was going well for the last month or so. I spent more time with family and friends, started writing consistently again, and chatted with amazing people like you! Unfortunately when I least expect it, anxiety likes to tap me on the shoulder and remind me of its presence.
What It’s Like Living With Anxiety
Sunday Night: Anxiety crept in.
On Sunday night, my anxiety started creeping in. I felt disappointed and down for no reason. When I got home from my parents house, I had difficulty sleeping and couldn’t handle the thought of being alone. After Alejandro fell asleep, I lied awake at night and cried quietly.
What was wrong? I just couldn’t shake the fear. After about twenty minutes, I finally fell asleep but had a bad nightmare. My mom and I were driving to our old house and a man ran up to our car. He threw rocks at us and wouldn’t speak. After a while, he came up to the passenger’s side and only looked at me. He kept trying to open the door, but wouldn’t utter a word.
I used to have intense nightmares when I was in high school. This is usually how I can tell I’m about to experience a bad bout of anxiety.
Monday: Stand Still.
Mondays can be pretty hard for me. Every now and then, I experience separation anxiety when I’m away from my loved ones. I couldn’t focus on anything that day and pretty much just shut down. I tried to write a blog post, but nothing would come out. By Monday night, all I wanted to do was watch repeats of The Voice and lie in bed.
On those days, I’m particularly thankful for other bloggers, writers, artists, filmmakers, and creators in general. Reading your posts, laughing at funny YouTube videos, and watching my favorite sitcoms always makes me feel better when anxiety hits.
Tuesday: Panic and Sadness.
I don’t remember what triggered me that day. It may have been something related to health anxiety. I was standing in the shower and time stopped. My heart raced and I felt a panic attack coming on. Since I have fainted in the shower before, I practically ran out of the bathroom. After I got dressed, I couldn’t stop crying. Disappointment set in. This was my first full blown panic attack in months.
Wednesday: Apathy & Isolation.
By Wednesday, I grew apathetic. I was tired of feeling this way. Suddenly, I became my own worst critic. I didn’t like my writing, wasn’t accomplishing my goals, couldn’t keep up with my responsibilities at home, etc. Anxiety has a way of making you think you’re not good enough. I shut myself off completely, and didn’t go outside or talk to anyone.
Despite my apathy, a part of me knew that it was going to get better. It always gets better, I thought to myself.
On Thursday, I slept well and finally ate breakfast again. I took a soothing shower in the morning and didn’t go on Facebook all day. A break from social media was nice. Alejandro surprised me with sunflowers after work. “I know they always make you smile,” he said. It was a little cloudy outside that day, but the rain relaxed my soul and body.
We went out to dinner and laughed with one of our friends. I sat down to write this blog post. Although I’m stumbling on my words and nervous to post this, writing feels good.
Friday: A Brand New Day.
Every time I go through these bouts of anxiety (whether they last a week or months), I always rediscover my own strength. I made it through and I’ll continue to keep searching for happiness and tranquility. I’m not completely healed but today’s a brand new day.
If you’re reading this and living with anxiety, just know it’s going to be okay. Today may have been hard, but tomorrow will be better….and the next day, and the next! Just take a breath and know that you’re going to get through this. I’m sending love and positive energy your way. 💛
I hope that you have a beautiful rest of your day and a relaxing weekend. I’m so happy to be blogging again and can’t wait to chat with y’all!
Also, if you’d like for me to write a more in depth post about what it’s like living with anxiety, definitely let me know in the comments! x